Monday, May 16, 2011 (ignore that other date...it's a lie).
We awoke at the glorious Holiday Inn Express in Newcastle Upon Tyne, and rolled out of bed to enjoy a very free, very delicious, breakfast (yes, I know--not free--but a sunk cost, so it felt gratuitous). I tried, and failed, to get a SIM card for my phone-- so after another day of no phone, we just decided the telecommunication gods were against us an moved on.
First Stop - supposed to be Hadrian's Wall. Couldn't do it. Too tired, and too much in the wrong direction. We opted for our second spot--Alnwick Castle in Northumberland County. Famous for protecting England against the Scots, it was also the castle used in the Harry Potter films. Harry Potter, you say?? Yes. Awesome. We joined into the Battle Axes and Broomsticks tour, which included three children under the age of eight. Not that many kids, I suppose--except that it was just them, their parents, and us. No shame.
Our tour guide, Ryan, was an epic fail (I'm willing to give him a pass; his job is total shite.). He was humourous and cute, but I'm relatively certain every fact he stated was incorrect and, and some points, completely fabricated. For example, he noted that the Ford vehicle used as the flying car in Harry Potter 2 were very rare. Apparently, there were 12 used in production. Of those, he believes at least 7 were completely destroyed, "never to be used again". The other 5? He thinks they were destroyed too. He doesn't know, but he believes they probably were. Or weren't. Who's to know. He also used the terms "wee" and "poo" to describe the contents of a chamber pot (There were children under the age of ten there, he couldn't very well say "shit and piss", now could he?) --twice-- and referred to attacking Scots who fell into one of Alnwick's many traps and were left to die as "dying for all eternity". A slip of the tongue? No. He said that twice too. In the end, I won 5 points for Gryffindor by knowing Robbie Coltrane's name and knew nothing more about that castle than before (I learned that movie producers ruin historical structures for their own monetary benefit. And that, back in the day, Scots used to make small boys toss excrement on people. Kinky.).
We were lucky to visit on a day where Falconry was presented--FALCONS! Well...a hawk, an owl, a black lab (in no way a bird) and a mini-falcon attacked fake pheasants for our pleasure. Not really amazing...but the lovely Tudor costumes were authentic-esque and fun, so the lack of proper Falcons is acceptable (I think that C's expectation of what a falcon actually is is spotty at best. I'm still not entirely convinced that she knows that a falcon is a bird...might think it's some kind of palsy). This time. I was surprised that Kdu wanted to hang around for the falcons, since she was so scared of them when we visited the Tower of London. Kdu pointed out, correctly, that the Tower of London had ravens...not falcons. And ravens are scarier because they have "verocious" claws. We think this was supposed to be a melange of a voracious appetite and ferocious claws, but the origins of this slip remain unknown (Here;s the origin: it's from the pig latin, uckfay ouya).
Next stop--Stirling, Scotland. Kathleen and I visited this place in Jan 2010, but got to the monument a few minutes too late to go up. We were determined this time. Wallace would not conquer us.
We sped off to Stirling and found the National Wallace Monument with 30 minutes to spare. The monument is at the top of a hill and is basically a very tall tower with beautiful views of Stirling. We ran up the hill--it was a super steep incline, and we basically ran up the damn thing. If we didnt reach the monument with 15 mins left, they might not let us us! Ahh! We had to make it.
Half way up, Kathleen is dying (The Scots don't seem to understand the concept of "gradual incline"). Her frustration is palpable and she exclaims, while glaring at the tower, "I DIDNT EVEN LIKE BRAVEHEART." In retrospect, I think she just wanted to overtake me as second place in our hill-race, and knows that laughter weakens me. We got up the hill and were admitted to the monument--where we climbed 246 steps of the circular old-skool castle variety--to view the town from the top. It was majestic, as much of Scotland is,...but there's no way I'd climb that thing again. We took many tourist/kitsch photos of our conquering of the tower--and told everyone we were American as we were clearly being quite obnoxious. It was believable. On the way down--a much easier trek--Kathleen commented that she actually really liked Braveheart, and felt very bad for her earlier outburst (I did. Mel Gibson was exceptional in that movie. I've seen it like four times. I think that I was in a steep-hill rage, and I just blacked out and when I came to, I found out I'd said that. Horrible.). Offending the honour of William Wallace in Scotland is basically a capital crime.
Next up--off to the Isle of Skye. We were starving and stopped at a random local resto on the way--the sign caught our attention and demanded our patronage. It read: FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD. To the point. Succinct. True. Our meals were lovely, and we continued onwards to Skye. About 15 minutes into the trek, we see a sign warning that the road ahead is closed. A few minutes later--another sign. This time, it tells us the road it closed for 5 nights. A third sign a mile later prompted me to ask, "Well, how closed is it?" We found out--very closed. A lovely Scottish lad hopped out of his truck, visibly annoyed, and came over to scold us. I prepared. I opened the window and smiled sweetly and asked how he was--then explained that we were just three Canadian girls, off on an adventure and out GPS told us to go this way. If we had to detour, we'd be soooooo lost. *insert pout here* (I once again suggested saying "I'm cold, I'm a woman", but, again, was vetoed.) I maintain that it would have worked). He was lovely and obliging to this technique, and called ahead to the road construction and asked them to STOP so we could pass. He then proceeded to lead us through the construction himself, and we continued onwards to Skye.
Arriving at midnight, we were dead tired. Kathleen decided she wanted to wear a nautically themed outfit on the boat tomorrow (cruising Loch Ness) and selected a shirt with various birds on it. Clearly, she is not particularly clear on what animals originate from the sea, but we'll give her this one (Seagulls.). This one time. It's been a long day for everyone--I tried to say that I wasn't a hobo at dinner...in reference to my drink selection--and instead said, "I am not a hobbit."
No, C, you are not. No one has ever accused you of Hobbitism or existing in the Shire.
Onwards!
xoxo Cane
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